Gay Dating South Africa

It’s all in the marketing.
Have you ever considered what image you project? How’s your attitude about life, being gay or dating? Do you walk with confidence or insecurity? It’s important to consider these things when looking for a date. More times than not, you’ll attract the type of guy that’s attracted to the signals you’re sending. So, if you’re meeting the wrong type of guys (or the same type), try changing your attitude. If you don’t normally smile, try giving guys a quick grin. If you give off an air of arrogance, try loosening up a bit. A little self-reflection and image adjustment can go a long way.

Fine tune your search.
How can you find Mr. Right if you don’t have a vision of what he looks like? Make a list of the qualities you like in a guy. This may sound like a silly exercise, but a few minutes with a pad and paper can help you focus on finding the right man for you. Not long ago I wrote down the hair color, height range, ethnicity, and build of my ideal date and it’s amazing how many guys I meet that fall within my “list.” But don’t just stop there – life isn’t all about physical qualities. What kind of personality or demeanor would you like him to have? What about his family life? Keep your options open, though. Sometimes the cosmos have a way of surprising us.

Go where they go.
You wouldn’t look for pasta sauce in the frozen food aisle of the grocery store would you? Of course not. So why do most gay men look for specific types of guys in the wrong places. If you like a certain type of guy, go where those types of guys go. I’d love to say the world is an integrated utopia, but people tend to hang out with others with similar backgrounds or interests. Let’s say you’re looking for a guy that has an interest in theater; then join a local theater group or hang out at local venues frequented by theater lovers. If your dream lover is a body builder, then spend more time at the gym, because more than likely that’s where he’ll be most of the time.

Seek and enjoy!
Are you the life of the party or do you like to sit on the sidelines? Most gay men wait for their knight in shining Tiffany to come and swoop them up from the bar stool. You look, make eye contact and even flirt a bit, but do you ever make a move? Who doesn’t want a handsome guy to come up and talk to them? unfortunately, this attitude has created an imbalance in the dating scene. Since everyone’s waiting to be approached, there’s no one doing the approaching; which is why it’s not uncommon to go to a gay party and see everyone standing around in their own corners like at a middle school dance. Practice getting out of you comfort zone. Find a guy you like and try starting a conversation. To many gay men, the thought of doing this is terrifying, but with practice it will get more comfortable.

Find something in common.
Now that you’re ready to walk up to a guy, what are you going to say to him? Well, in my experience two angles work best: breaking the ice and then finding something in common. Breaking the ice can be easier than you may think. Find something unique about him (article of clothing, jewelry, hair style), then comment on it. Try a humorous angle. Instead of saying, “I like your hair cut” try phrasing it in a way that will make him smile or continue a conversation. A better approach might be, “You know, my stylist said only certain guys can pull off that style. I guess you’re one of them…” Hey, it may sound cheesy, but it strikes conversation and hopefully a blush. If you get stuck, then offer to buy him a drink. This buys you time to think about something else to talk about.

Once you’ve broken the ice, find something you guys have in common and go with it. If nothing is apparent ask him if he is interested in the things you’re interested in and go from there.

Control your emotional valve.
Be honest and open with your new prospect, but don’t give too much too soon. Connecting with someone you like can be an overwhelming experience in its beginning stages. Take your time getting to know one another and let the details of your life and your emotions unfold naturally. Your first date might not be the time to talk about work stress or emotional issues with your father. Spend time in the beginning getting comfortable with each other and slowly open up. That way neither one of you are overwhelmed too early in the relationship.

Play the odds.
Sometimes playing the dating game is like playing a slot machine. It’s attractive with its many colors and sounds, but always uncertain. Of course, there’s the potential of hitting the jackpot, but unless you’re extremely lucky you have to play more than a few coins to hit big. If approaching a guy doesn’t work the first time, then try, try again. Eventually it will pay off.

An article I wrote in response to some “experts” who thought they knew something about dating and age gaps in dating…

I was reading an article recently that had short quips from experts who said that dating and getting laid by someone younger than you, or vice-versa is a good idea.

But getting into a long-term relationship where one of the partners was older wasn’t such a good idea they claimed. After all, “who wanted to look at a sagging, wrinkly person” one expert quipped.

It was an amazing statement because is assumed all sorts of negative and incorrect assumptions. For starters, it assumed that said person was older and not sagging or wrinkly yet. It also assumed that once a person hits a certain age or once a person starts loosing their youthful appearance, that sex, love and even friendship are no longer possible or desirable.

Say what – Since When!?

Before I go any further, I’ll mention that this “expert” is a heterosexual woman. However, those ideas and statements could have been made by anyone of any sexual orientation.

I’d like to say that we’ve gotten beyond all that in this day and age, but no, ageism is alive and well.

Some people think of me as a “Silver Fox Chaser” – I’m not. Some guys are and that’s cool if that’s what turns you on.

However, I’ve discovered that when it comes to sex, dating and steady relationships, I tend to prefer older men.

What the heck is an “older man” anyway? On some of my past dates I’ve been the older guy. As for me, “older men” is loosely defined as anyone older than me by at least five years.

When I was younger and in the closet I had this strange little tug-o-war going on with myself about what types of men I was attracted to (and which types I thought I was attracted to), as well as which types of men I actually went out with and had sex with.

It was strange, but the condensed version of this epic time, is that I would always fantasize about and invariably go out with “older gay men”.

Given my tastes, you would think that when I got around to signing up for online personals, I would immediately do the right thing and start looking for an older man. Nope. No, I was still stuck in a narrowly defined pink triangle for all intents and purposes.

I started my gay personals ad quest, looking for “straight acting guys”, the same build as me, maybe one or two years younger or older than me, but preferably the same age, etc…I think I was looking for a clone.

I’ve mentioned before that I had a fateful night, where I got serious about my personals listings and made a detailed and concentrated effort. But the thing that I usually omit to say, is that was also the night when I made a significant change in my attitude towards the type of men I would consider, go out with and even eventually settle down with.

I decided that there was no room for trying to look for a single type of gay man. It was a fruitless endeavor, every which way. There are many types of gay men out there, so I needed to accept that and seek those different and older men out. I needed to quit confining and limiting my search.

Once I made that change in thinking and attitude, I started to enjoy being a gay man and I started to enjoy, finding or being found by older gay men, many who where so not like myself.

As for long-term relationships – my partner Ian is about twenty-two years older than me and we’ve been together for nine years now.

I won’t say it’s all been a jolly holiday, there isn’t and there has never been a relationship in the world’s history that hasn’t had its moments. But I will say that is definitely possible and desirable to be hitched with an older partner. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

The bottom line on dating and attraction is, only you know what types of guys get you hot and interested. However, until you start thinking outside a narrowly defined pink triangle you won’t truly know if you’re missing out on a great relationship.

Before you start signing up for all those gay dating/hookup sites, you might consider this checklist:

I mentioned in a previous article that I’d tell you more about the sign up forms that you’ll typically see at an online dating service – the ones that make your personal ad profile…

These days the process consists of filling out a very long form, (at most sites) or series of forms that can seem quite daunting. The purpose of all these questions is to help create a searchable database, so that people can narrow their search for the perfect mate.

Fear not though, as most of the forms consist of simple multiple choice questions and answers. So, instead of typing out your vital stats, and any vital stats that your partner should have, you’ll just have to click on boxes next to fields such as, “blue eyes, red-head, muscular, stud-budgie, etc…”

Before you sign up at your first, (or your second, or third) matchmaking service, it helps to go prepared.

Pre Personal Ad Signup Check List:
- Recent Photographs
Get a couple of good, up to date photos of yourself to upload to the matchmaking site of your choice. This is one of the major bonuses about online personal ads, you get to upload at no extra charge, (most places) pictures of yourself.

Photographs are really important as they improve the odds over all the other guys who have chosen not to reveal what they look like or who they are. It shows that you’re serious, and it gives people a chance to get a better idea of what you look like. Most personals sites agree that the guys with the pictures get more views and responses.

At Match.com, “Guys are 14 times more likely to look at a profile with a photo; and members with photos get contacted seven times more often than members without”.

The amount of photos, size, and how erotic the photographs may be all depend on the personals site in question. However, two or three photos of yourself, (keep your friends out of the picture) in natural poses with clothing on should be sufficient.

Keep any erotic shots for later on, if someone asks for one. Unless of course you’re strictly going for sex – in which case you’ll need two or three money shots sans clothing.

Either way, the photos need to be in JPEG, (.JPG) format and should be about 1.5mb or less.

- Your Vital Stats or Profile
Get your details together, make sure that they match both you and your picture, (you are posting a picture – right.)Seriously, don’t let your vanity get in the way, it’s stupid.

Sooner or later you’re going to want to meet some of the guys that respond to your ad or vice versa. When that day comes, you’re both going to want to meet some semblance of the guy you each think you’re meeting.

It’s happened to me a couple of times and I was not impressed by the guys’ deception.

- Jot down some notes about yourself
Personal ad sites often give you lots of room to tell the world about yourself, and they often also have a shorter section where you briefly introduce yourself by way of a short teaser. So, it’s a good idea to have a few ideas prepared beforehand.

Grab a notepad, or open up your word processor and jot down some quick notes about yourself. Don’t write a novel or essay; in fact don’t even worry about spelling, grammar or sentence structure. Just jot down in point form the unique features that make you the fantastic guy you are.

Get that straight. You are a unique and fantastic guy with a lot to offer, so tell us about yourself. What makes you tick, what makes you special…?

- Jot down some notes about the type of guy you’re looking for
There are several reasons why I think you should also write down some notes about who you’re looking for.

Firstly, it helps to clarify in ones mind, just what one is looking for. Things to consider include, the type of relationship you’re seeking, physical attributes – do they matter, social, education and economic status – do they matter, health status, lifestyle choices, etc…

Decide which circumstances matter to you and jot them down. Often you’ll be given multiple choice options to fill out when you’re completing your online personal ad. Secondly, these notes also give you more fodder for the written portion of your personal ad.

- Putting it all together
Once, you’ve got some notes; put it together into sentence form, by briefly introducing yourself, perhaps recapping a few of your vital stats, tell the reader what’s special about you and what you have to offer.

Go on to tell the reader what you’re looking for in the way of a mate and then close the ad with an invitation to the reader to reply to your ad.

The length or amount of space you’re given for the written portion varies greatly. However, being brief and to the point is always a good idea – not too brief though. A short paragraph isn’t enough; three or four paragraphs are ideal.

You should give just enough information to entice and pre-qualify your prospective matches to decide if they want to contact you to find out more.

After you’ve done some brainstorming and a bit of prep it’s time to hit some matchmaking sites to post your ad.

Wishing you joy and success in your online matchmaking experiences!

I don’t want to scare you too much BUT…Here’s some online dating safety tips:

Much as I think online dating services are a great way to meet men, there is to a degree a darker side to these places. But then, you could also say the same about any other place that men go to meet other men.

However, one of the things about online dating services, pick up spots, chat lines and other similar places, is that quite often one is given either complete anonymity or the sense of anonymity.

Being anonymous can be nice, but with it comes an element of risk when it comes to finding dates online.

Personally, I have never had any major problems arise from meeting with guys that I’ve found on the Internet.

One of the reasons for such good fortune is because I’ve always used a pretty selective process in just who I’ll meet. I’ll admit that I haven’t always gone out with great guys as a result but I have been able to eliminate the truly questionable guys.

Lets face it; all sorts of people log onto the Internet and some of those people are just plain creepy to say the least.

I do know people that haven’t been as lucky as me. Fortunately, none of them met with actual violence. They did receive threats though; which was scary enough.

I’ve read a lot of “rules for dating safely” and here’s the problem I have with most of them…They’re mostly one sided.

For instance, it’s a little much to expect a guy to give you their phone number, (home and/or work) so that you can verify their story and existence, if you’re not willing to do the same. A lot of these tips or “rules” tell you to do just that — get their info but don’t give out your’s.

Here’s my general rule of thumb…If you’re not willing to divulge some aspect of your life or a specific about yourself; don’t expect to receive that type of information from the other guy.

The best piece of advice I can give you and one of the few hard and fast “dating safety rules” that I’ll give, is to use your best judgment and exercise some common sense; regardless of how you meet other men.

Other Safety Tips You Might Want To Consider:

• Ask for a recent photo of the guy; if you’ve got questions in your mind ask for photo ID.

A friend of mine was starting to have serious questions about a guy they had been chatting to online…When asked for photo ID, the guy emailed my friend an obviously doctored driver’s license. The friend decided not to meet the guy and the threats started pouring in…

• Agree to meet in a mutually chosen location; one that has a lot of other people around.

• Let someone know that you’re going on a date with someone you’ve just met. Give them, (a friend possibly) the “Who, What, Where, When” details.

• Write the details of your date down on a piece of paper and stick it to your fridge or someplace that people will find if the worst actually happens.

• Try and find out a little about the other guys background or life; that way you can look for any inconsistencies either before or during the actual date.

• Don’t go someplace or do something that you’re not comfortable with.

• Trust your gut instincts! If something feels or sounds fishy; don’t ignore it. Actually, this rule isn’t optional — this is the second hard and fast rule that I’ll give.

Remember, going on a date and meeting guys online is supposed to be fun but be careful out there so that you can keep on having fun meeting neat, interesting and sexy guys.

Straight women aren’t the only people who can’t seem to meet the right guy. Gay men can’t seem to either. The difference is that women aren’t “allowed” to approach men while gay men are expected to. And this sets up what psychologists call “Approach Anxiety” — the fear of initiating contact with a good looking stranger.

It goes something like this: You see a beautiful guy at a gay bar or a party and you want to meet him in the worst way. But fear matches your desire. Doubt sets in. Alarms go off. The fantasy of being with him draws you in but the thought of actually saying something to him scares you to death.

Approach anxiety and conversational skill deficiencies feed on each other. If you knew exactly what to say and how to say it, your approach anxiety would melt like I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

But there’s an even bigger reason that approach anxiety rears its ugly head and keeps gay men from connecting with the kind of guys they want to date (especially in gay bars): Believing that good looking strangers are something they’re not.

Most of us see an attractive guy as a goal–something we want to, ahem, achieve. But if he’s a goal, taking the chance of approaching him has only two possible outcomes: Leave with him in your arms or your tail between your legs.

The thing about goals is that you either achieve them or you don’t. You win or lose, it’s black and white, sink or swim. Actually, it’s worse. When your goal is love, sex or both, it feels more like Live or Die. You either get validated by a beautiful guy or die of embarrassment from trying to talk to him. That’s a pretty high price for what amounts to saying hello. And it’s what makes gay nightlife turn into gay frightlife.

So what’s the secret to overcoming your fear of rejection? It’s coming to a profound realization about that hottie in the corner:

He’s not a goal. He’s a portal.

The guy you want to meet is not an objective; he’s an entryway. He’s somebody who’s going to lead you to the next moment in your life. He may be the next guy you date but what if he ends introducing you to the next guy you date? What if he becomes your next acquaintance, friend, or business contact? Or the guy who points you to the sports league you didn’t know existed, the concert you didn’t know was scheduled or that restaurant that just opened. Maybe you’ll just get a great story out of the experience of meeting him. Or a funny joke. But if you’re open to all of it, any of it, then suddenly Mr. Hot, by the definition of a portal, CAN’T induce fear of rejection, ridicule or loss. He can only instill a sense of curiosity about what’s next.

It’ll be easier to absorb this new definition of attractive guys with a visualization. Every time you see a guy you’re interested in, picture him like this:

Once you’ve redefined and realigned your perception of attractive guys, the fear of rejection goes away. But you’re still left with a major dilemma: What do you say to attractive strangers that won’t make you sound like an idiot?